Jeff Billimek’s Journal

What a busy day it’s been. I got up early to clean my apartment since Michele was coming over today. I also had a lunch date with Jen from my CSIS 3600 System Analysis and Design class. We were planning on meeting so that we could study for our class and also so that she could show me some vegetarian dishes.

Around noon, I went over to Jen’s apartment and was treated to a nicely decorated place in an Asian motif. Since Jen is really into kung fu, this doesn’t surprise me. She was listening to some nice trance techno music. She actually knew who Paul Van Dyk was! We made some pretty good veggie bagel sandwiches with some sort of soy-based spread that Jen had me mix. We put bean sprouts and sliced cucumber on the bagels and it was pretty good. She and I did some homework and our group project. Jen is a really remarkable girl and I hope I can become friends with her because we have a lot in common. She’s an IS major, she likes computers, she likes Robert Jordan books, she’s be active, she likes impressionism art. She has so many wonderful qualities that I really want to associate with her. Before I left, we agreed that we’d meet again to study for our test.

After studying with Jen, I made plans to take Michele out to dinner. We decided to meet at TGI Fridays on Barret pkwy. We met for dinner around 6pm and then came back to my place after dinner. Of course as soon as we got to my apartment we kissed and started to make out.

Michele told me that she wanted to have a long term, serious relationship with me. She suggested that she wanted something that would lead to marriage. She asked me how I felt about that, so I had to be honest. I told her that I couldn’t be sure if I wanted something like that at this point. As soon as I said that, she got angry and turned away from me and started to cry. I explained that this is only our second date and I can’t possibly know if she was the one for me after such a brief period of time. Michele told me that she knew that I was the one for her.

After that, the evening got a little more somber and she put her shirt back on and was visibly upset. I felt bad like I had hurt her but was only trying to be completely honest. I told Michele that I didn’t want to lead her on in any way that I didn’t want to see her hurt. She said that things couldn’t be the same between us after this point because she can’t afford to give herself to someone who won’t be able to give a big commitment back. She told me that she will wait for me to decide what I want, but she can’t wait forever. I tried to explain to her that things have moved so quickly

We sat upright on my bed with our legs wrapped around each other and talked and kissed some more. Michele is a very confusing girl. Just moments before she told me that she made a miscalculation coming onto me so strongly, but then she told me that she knows in my heart that I want to be with her. She asked me again to make love to her and I assured her that I had a lot of self-control. She asked me if I was telling her that, or trying to tell myself that. Michele then tried to seduce me (and told me so), asking me to tell her my fantasies about her and she told me her fantasies about me. She said that she wanted to be the master in my kitchen and the whore in my bedroom. Michele said that she wanted me, but I wouldn’t give into her wishes. She told me that she loves me so much that she will take whatever I can give, even if it is only day-to-day. We kissed and talked some more and I took her back because it was almost 11pm. On the drive back, she asked if we could do something next weekend. Once again,

Michele totally confuses me. Because I won’t commit to marriage after just two dates, she said that she was stupid to think that I would feel the same way about her. How am I supposed to know if I want a long-term commitment with someone? I’ve never had to deal with that. What really bothers be is her roller-coaster attitude towards our relationship. One moment she’ll say something along the lines that we need to stop or slow down, and the next moment she wants to make love. I just don’t understand it. I have to figure out what I want and I guess make up my mind to tell her something Tuesday. I don’t want to lose her, but I think she’s scaring me off.

(edited, 08-13-2002)