Jeff Billimek’s Journal

Last night was a really incredible night. I met my science class group at a Mexican restaurant on Chastain road to talk about our group project. More importantly was that Michele and I were going to go out on a ‘first date’ after dinner. During the evening when I was talking to Philip, a 26-year old guy from Kenya, Michele who was sitting to my left started to rub her leg up against mine. I reached under the table and caressed her hand. We were doing this all the while I was talking to Philip. I don’t think anyone else at the table knew what we were doing. While talking with Philip about African politics, I looked at Michele and we both laughed out loud at the situation. I wonder what Philip was thinking. That was the best part of the dinner.

After dinner I walked Michele to her car and asked what she would like to do. All she said was ‘follow me.’ I followed her car into some obscure neighborhood off Chastain road. Eventually we pulled into a gravel driveway to a secluded house. The place looked empty. When we got out of the car, Michele told me that this was her grandparents’ house and that they were out of town in California. She then approached me and kissed me. We kissed for a little while, leaning against my car while she pressed up against me. She then led me inside and said that she thought it would be nice to sit outside under the stars since it was such a perfect evening. My mind was racing. Did she want sex? I had no idea what to expect and wasn’t sure how she would react if I told her I didn’t want to go that far.

She grabbed a blanket and we went out to the secluded grass lawn that was surrounded by trees. On the blanket we kissed and talked and kissed some more. Eventually she asked if she could take my shirt off, and I let her. Michele was wearing a cute short-short sleeved shirt that fights tightly around her body. She took off her shirt too. We embraced and kissed some more, rolling and withering around on the blanket. She asked me if I had any experience with sex, and asked that we not have sex that night. I assured her that I don’t fancy the idea of having sex on a first date. Later in the evening she asked me to take my pants off but I didn’t think that was such a good idea. The whole situation was so surreal to begin with; I couldn’t believe how fast we were going.

For three hours we laid out under the stars in the cool night air with our shirts off, kissing and talking about many different things. It was cold outside but we kept each other warm from the rubbing and pressing of our bodies against each other. I discovered that sucking and nibbling on her earlobes makes her really excited.

Michele told me that I was a great kisser, which I find hard to believe. She also said that my shoulders and arms and collarbone turned her on. She said that no one has treated her that well and that she thought she was falling hard for me.

Despite the fact that we were both half naked and making out all night, we did a great deal of talking too. She said some weighty things that give me pause to step back and look at the entire situation. She was telling me things like she wants to be by girlfriend and that she is looking for someone that she knows will take care of her and her daughter. She even said a couple of times that she was in love with me.

Am I doing the right thing? Am I making a mistake? Michele is certainly wonderful and makes me feel a way I haven’t felt in quite some time now. I don’t want to go down a road that will be hard to turn away from if I have to. We’ve only known each other for a short period of time and are already pretty serious. I hate to think this, but in the back of my mind, I question her motives. Is she after something from me? Is she seeking a father for her daughter? I’m so confused because I don’t know if I just have low self-esteem that I think there has to be an ulterior motive and not a genuine love from someone whom I barely know. The more I progress, the more difficult it is to break away if I have to. I know in my heart right now that Michele is not someone I want to have a very long-term relationship with mainly because she has a daughter, which complicated things immensely for me. So am I making a mistake? Am I only going to end up hurting her and myself? If I overanalyze things like this every time I’m in a relationship, will I never be in a relationship out of fear?

Michele called me today as we may do something tomorrow (Sunday, 10-01-2000). I’m already moving forward like I’m caught in the current of a river, but I’m not sure I want to stop.

(edited, 08-13-2002)