Jeff Billimek’s Journal

I don’t know what the problem is. Ever since yesterday evening I’ve been feeling depressed. When I try to put a reason behind this feeling, I think its Michele.

Michele is a girl in my science class (Tuesday and Thursday @ 6:30pm). The second day of class she came in and immediately caught my eye. I think it was her really short hair. I have a thing for some girls with short hair. She asked to join our group and I was delighted that she was going to be in the same group. Then, a week or two later, we started to make longer than usual eye contact with each other. Of course I have a problem making eye contact with anyone so this was strange. I didn’t feel eerie like I normally do when I let someone see into my eyes. So doing this only made my attraction to her grow.

Then, one day she didn’t make it to class. I sent her an email over the weekend letting her know what she missed and I said something that I later regretted saying. I also said “I missed you.” I think my idea was that it could be taken as an affectionate saying or as a general comment. I really wanted to get to know Michele better so I figured this would be a good way to throw out the line and see what I get. The response I got from her was unexpected. I guess it was better than her saying she was out with her husband or boyfriend. She told me that she couldn’t make it to class because her DAUGHTER has an accident at day-care. So the girl I’m interested in has a daughter. That really blew me away. At that point I could have left it at that and not tried anything else, but I still liked Michele.

The next week in class Michele was definitely flirting with me. I know I’m pretty dense when it comes to those sorts of things but I could certainly tell she was interested in me. I guess my email had a good affect after all. She was making eye contact with me a lot and sat closer to me. There were a lot of little things too. When she handed me a piece of paper, she let our hands touch for longer than normal. I missed class one day the previous week and she said that she thought I was with some girl and teased me about it. She asked me if I had a girlfriend and things like that. So the second day of that, during class, she asked me if I would walk her to her car after class. So we walked and talked a little while. Right before she left she asked to email her sometime in in a way like she was asking me to call or ask her out.

I knew then for certain that she wanted to go out with me without a doubt. So I was faced with the dilemma of what to do. I was certainly interested in her but I didn’t know how I felt about her being a mother to a 1-year old daughter. That could lead to a lot of complications. Someone told me that whatever the case I should go for it as I’ve been alone for far too long.

This past Saturday Michele called me. I was in the middle of a group meeting and didn’t take the call. So I called her back later that afternoon. It turns out she was calling me to see if I wanted to go to her place and ‘hang out’. This is a very good thing. I called too late and we couldn’t get together that evening. So instead we spoke over the telephone for about an hour. She asked me how long it’s been since I’ve dated and I was truthful and said about two years. She seemed surprised by that but confessed that it’s been over a year for her too. Other than that, I think the conversation went well. I asked her out and she said that she was relieved to hear that. She was about to say something else but didn’t. I then told her that I now look forward to going into the science class because I can see her. She then said the same thing and that was what she wanted to say earlier. So in all I think the phone conversation went really well. Before we got off the phone she said she would email me back.

But Sunday came and went and no email. Monday came and went and no email. I started to get a little worried that something I said over the phone scared her off. This problem was compounded Tuesday when Eric Neumann (my boss) decided to come talk to me for roughly three hours about his life story. I didn’t mind, I enjoyed the conversation but when we were finished it was 6:15pm! My class starts at 6:30pm and I had a test Tuesday to boot! At that point, my day got worse because I was totally stressed out about missing my test as a sped to school. When I got there and was walking to class, I ran into Michele. She seemed fine and urged me to run to class so I could take the test. I had been looking forward to spending time with her Tuesday and that didn’t happen. So last night after class I tried to call her around 9pm and she wasn’t there. I asked to tell her that ‘Jeff’ called. I didn’t hear back, but it was late so I guess it’s no big deal.

So now I don’t know if I’m feeling depressed because I am so insecure that I think something happened and she is avoiding me. I do know that I never had to deal with these feelings for a long time because I’ve been alone. I don’t like going on this emotional roller coaster. I liked it when I didn’t have anyone and I was virtually devoid of emotion. Things were much simpler then. Is this a bad thing? Will I be going out with Michele? In my heart I really hope so but I need to prepare myself if something happens and it doesn’t work out.

I only have to think back to the times I see people together and wished that I could have that. To be able to talk to someone or to hold someone and do things with someone is something that I think no one should be without. So if a choice has to be made between being alone and being with someone, the solution is obviously to be with someone. The mood swings and problems associated with it are worth the effort. It’s better than being alone.